holy jebus

When I decided to live with a Kentuckian, there were a few things that I was not prepared for. This includes bourbon (who knew that mixing vault Evan Williams with classic Coke was sacrilege?), horseracing, UK basketball (and the subsequent throwing of objects), a sweet little drawl that compels me to chew on his cheeks and the slowest pace of walking or eating that I have ever known. During our first road trip to Kentucky, the first thing I noticed was their license plates, the scorn of a lot of Kentuckians. Not only does a sun beam from amidst the plate number, it dons a smiley face along with the slogan, “Kentucky. It’s that friendly.” Really? I wondered, are Kentuckians really that friendly?

Shh…yes, they are. They also have smashing taste and are quite beautiful. But despite this, some try to eclipse this claimed pleasantry with a variety of sun-shaped stickers. Of these include a similar-shaped sun with a frowny face. This past year, however, the sun has been squashed for a more agreeable plate that proclaims their “Unbridled Spirit.” The spirit that becomes unbridled after many mint juleps, Maker’s Mark and their signature bluegrass.

I didn’t realize that Indiana had a similar issue with their plates until just recently when I spotted a plate with deliberate duct tape covering the state website address. Then I noticed that people have license plate covers that are specially designed to cover the address. When I first moved here, people also told me that they didn’t like the agricultural depiction of wheat and a farmhouse. “We’re more metropolitan than that,” they proclaim. Yeah…uh, sure.

I’m certain that this is just the surface of a marketing strategy gone awry. Once states develop an objectionable plate, the specialty plates emerge -- the breast cancer awareness, the alma mater pride, the sports fanatics, the children are wonderful so let’s fund their education and health plates abound. In Indiana, I have noticed that a lot of SUV drivers will purchase the Environmental Awareness plate, which is ironic. I know that they think they can remove the taint of their greed with the plates, but let’s get real. You can’t wash away the blood of the puppies you slaughtered when you bought your Escalade.

Where was I? Oh, yes, so it recently came to my attention that the Indiana BMV approved pro-life plates. PRO-LIFE PLATES! Until now, specialty plates contribute to the awareness of mostly benevolent causes, i.e. supporting health, environment and education. But now this state has decided to drift into issues concerning women’s rights. Doesn't this smack of special interest? PRO-LIFE PLATES, people!

Bravo. Very metropolitan, mind you. Aren’t bumper stickers with fetuses solving quadratic formulas emblazoned with “Choose Life” enough? I guess not. At least these plates will serve as a visual aide, a precautionary mark that the people driving those cars are slow, pay no attention to their actions, and put pedestrians in danger (read: old white men a.k.a. incapable of carrying a child or driving for that matter).

Please note that the author neither condones nor denies your right to do anything to uterus. It's your uterus; it's your business.

Additionally note that the author does not discriminate against her elders. That is, if her elders practice wisdom, tell good stories, and/or cook her food.