good morning

Somebody explain to me the logic behind this:

I have these problems with alarm clocks. Number one is that they exist. Number two is that I hit snooze about five times before I even think about getting out of bed. Not even Eagles’ “Hotel California” can repulse me out of bed long enough to get in the shower. So in an effort to calm the storm which is Lizz at 5:45 a.m., Toombsday bought me a new alarm clock.

It’s an Emerson Research alarm clock. Not only can it alert individual alarms throughout the week, it also can set its own time according to the arrangement of the planets and wind direction. Plus it has the name “Research” in it. Über genius, I know.

What the genius designers didn’t consider is that the firking bejerkin sleep button is nestled into the snooze bar. Let me clarify: When I roll over in my coma to shut off Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” and I accidentally hit the snooze bar (which, again, cradles the sleep button), it automatically shuts itself off not to be snoozed again. The designers thought, “Hey, any normally functioning person can distinguish between the snooze bar and the sleep button and depress the corresponding and desired function.” Not so, Emerson Research, not so. I can’t even find the front door knob in the morning let alone zone in on a snooze bar.

Toombsday and I have one last ditch effort of annihilating the sleep button before dropping another $30 on an alarm. To Emerson Research, may birds of hell PLUCK OUT YOUR EYES for your poorly designed monstrosity of utter intelligent confusion.