Remember Y2K

I fantasized about bank alarms failed and student records lost. The world was going to turn into a riotous evening of Clockwork Orange and apocalyptic glory because some coders reasoned that surely the human race wouldn’t exist past the twentieth century and hence their technological toys might need four instead of two digits to mark our years.

In anticipation of molotov cocktails and nuclear warfare, I thought about what I would do on my last day on earth. So I got in my car, drove to New Mexico, climbed a mountain, watched the sunset, drove back to OKC and kissed a gorgeous Indian boy at midnight. I believe there might have been some vomiting as well. And some passing out in the back seat while someone drove my car home. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So in regard to daylight savings, I want to say to my fellow Hoosiers, “It’s going to be okay.” Take a hint from L. Lo’s wrist and just breathe. This is not the end of the world. I know you haven’t observed daylight savings since 1970. (And I really love you for that…in fact, I think it’s the only reason why I like you.) But it’s really simple, it goes kind of like this:

On Sunday morning when you wake up, change your clock forward one hour. This can be done either electronically or manually, depending on your clock. Probably the worst that will happen is re-establishing your computer settings to the Eastern Standard Time zone rather than Indiana Time Zone. (Remember to check the daylight savings box in your Settings!)

Also, for you blackberry assholes that practically sideswipe me on the road, screw you. I was going to send a link for PDA users whom might be affected. But I hope you rot in hell for your inconsiderate use of “convenience” that distracts you from ordering a double-shot decaf wet soy cap with a dash of cocoa.

Additional Tip: There is no need to wake up at 2 a.m. to reset your clocks. And though our state officials think that adhering to shifting daylight savings time zones will help the economy, I can tell you that people at bars will lose one hour of drinking on Saturday/Sunday night, which will really damper some spirits over the NCAA weekend.

As of this afternoon, I have received at least three memos from my company about all the catastrophic changes that may possibly occur. One even recommended sending maintenance a request with an account number so they can send people to help us change our clocks. Our website has a header that warns people of the change. Four staff members have consulted me because I grew up in another state and know where my ass is. Holy bejesus people, it’s one tiny little hour. Welcome to the twenty-first century.

UPDATE: Since posting on 3/30, the governor has passed a reprieve for bars so they can garner additional profit from the NCAA crowd during the daylight savings fiasco.