Kiss a little longer
As a child, I did some pretty inexplicable stuff. I blame this mostly on my parents who allowed me to test my freedom of expression through any medium. This included dance routines for my sister’s friends to Solid Gold (complete with costume changes during commercials), wearing a bathing suit and tutu to my kindergarten class (they thought I rocked BTW), and combining a red Coca-Cola Classic t-shirt and pink shorts, which my snobby neighbor Candace told me was a big fashion no-no (this doesn’t hurt my feelings anymore since I learned that she’s now a snobby fashion designer in New York).
While reading McSweeney’s food reviews today, I remembered the oddity of my first consumer relations call at the young age of four (I could read at the age of three). My sister was very punk rock (like real punk rock because it was the 80s). She had bangle earrings, rhinestone jackets, lace gloves and Aquanet. She was my hero.
This time period, as I remember, was sexually charged. Madonna and Cyndi Lauper were breaking out in taffeta and top 40 hits. Big Red chewing gum enabled people to kiss for extended periods of time. It was crazy for a four-year-old girl. Anyhow, my sister used a certain Close-up Toothpaste that also fit this sexually charged era. This toothpaste enabled people to kiss for a very long time - just like Big Red! So I picked up a box of the stuff and started reading the ingredients. What ingredient allowed people to kiss for so long? I wondered. Was it the sorbitol? Maybe it’s this PEG-32? But then a flag the color of the gel contents inside was raised. There’s no ADA label of approval on this tube! As a dentist’s daughter, this was serious. Serious, indeed.
In an effort to sort this obvious confusion, I decided to call the consumer hotline. This was the 80s mind you - so I had to sneak the rotary phone and hide next to our living room sofa so my parents wouldn’t find me. When the operator answered, I had prepared in my professional phone voice, my question: “I really like your toothpaste. But is this ADA approved?” There was a long silence. Was my gig up? Did she realize I was a child? After all these years, I don’t remember her response. I think I was so overwhelmed that I was making contact with the outside work world that I clammed up and hung up the phone.
After reading McSweeney’s, I decided to call again. Sure, it is 22 years later, but certainly they have an explanation for this absurdity. So I called the consumer line today with my same question. The same silence. And her response, in confidence, was this: Honestly, the ADA approval is too expensive. I thanked her for her time.
Expensive, indeed. Purchasing that label could have bought the confidence of a four-year-old girl. They can afford to have commercials wherein teenagers kiss for a very long time. And they can afford college tours to feature make out challenges. They can afford a website that features scary looking women who remind me of my first strip club experience. They can afford to have Tom Selleck! C’mon, Close-up, put your money where your mouth is (cue commercial).
Close-Up Toothpaste (cir. late-1970's)
While reading McSweeney’s food reviews today, I remembered the oddity of my first consumer relations call at the young age of four (I could read at the age of three). My sister was very punk rock (like real punk rock because it was the 80s). She had bangle earrings, rhinestone jackets, lace gloves and Aquanet. She was my hero.
This time period, as I remember, was sexually charged. Madonna and Cyndi Lauper were breaking out in taffeta and top 40 hits. Big Red chewing gum enabled people to kiss for extended periods of time. It was crazy for a four-year-old girl. Anyhow, my sister used a certain Close-up Toothpaste that also fit this sexually charged era. This toothpaste enabled people to kiss for a very long time - just like Big Red! So I picked up a box of the stuff and started reading the ingredients. What ingredient allowed people to kiss for so long? I wondered. Was it the sorbitol? Maybe it’s this PEG-32? But then a flag the color of the gel contents inside was raised. There’s no ADA label of approval on this tube! As a dentist’s daughter, this was serious. Serious, indeed.
In an effort to sort this obvious confusion, I decided to call the consumer hotline. This was the 80s mind you - so I had to sneak the rotary phone and hide next to our living room sofa so my parents wouldn’t find me. When the operator answered, I had prepared in my professional phone voice, my question: “I really like your toothpaste. But is this ADA approved?” There was a long silence. Was my gig up? Did she realize I was a child? After all these years, I don’t remember her response. I think I was so overwhelmed that I was making contact with the outside work world that I clammed up and hung up the phone.
After reading McSweeney’s, I decided to call again. Sure, it is 22 years later, but certainly they have an explanation for this absurdity. So I called the consumer line today with my same question. The same silence. And her response, in confidence, was this: Honestly, the ADA approval is too expensive. I thanked her for her time.
Expensive, indeed. Purchasing that label could have bought the confidence of a four-year-old girl. They can afford to have commercials wherein teenagers kiss for a very long time. And they can afford college tours to feature make out challenges. They can afford a website that features scary looking women who remind me of my first strip club experience. They can afford to have Tom Selleck! C’mon, Close-up, put your money where your mouth is (cue commercial).
Close-Up Toothpaste (cir. late-1970's)
posted by anarchic at 4:21 PM
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